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Table of Contents
  • Audiet Pugnas vitio Parentum / Rara Juventus. Hor: Young men—the few who are left after the crimes of their fathers—will hear of battles. [School and College Latin Exercises]
  • Bonae leges ex malis moribus proveniunt: Good laws spring from bad habits [School and College Latin Exercises]
  • Malos tueri haud tutum: Save a thief from the gallows and he’ll cut your throat [School and College Latin Exercises]
  • Quis enim virtutem amplectitur ipsam Praemia si tollas?: For who embraces virtue herself, if you take away the reward? [School and College Latin Exercises]
  • Adjecere bonae paulo plus artis Athenae: Kind Athens Added a Little More Skill [School and College Latin Exercises]
  • Mea nec Falernae Temperant Vites, neque Formiani Pocula Colles: Neither Falernian vines nor Formian hills mellow my cups [School and College Latin Exercises]
  • Scheme for the Classes of a Grammar School
  • Advertisement for the School at Edial
  • Observations on Common Sense
  • Preface to the 1738 Volume of the Gentleman’s Magazine
  • Letter to the Gentleman's Magazine on Political Journalism
  • Appeal to the Publick
  • To the Reader. [Gentleman’s Magazine]
  • Considerations on the case of Dr T.—s Sermons abridg’d by Mr Cave
  • The Jests of Hierocles
  • Preface to the 1741 Volume of the Gentleman's Magazine
  • Review of An Account of the Conduct of the Dowager Duchess of Marlborough
  • Proposals for Printing, by Subscription, the Two First Volumes of Bibliotheca Harleiana
  • An Account of the Harleian Library
  • Notice in Volume Two of Catalogus Bibliothecae Harleianae
  • Proposals for Printing, by Subscription, the Harleian Miscellany with An Account of this Undertaking
  • Introduction to the Harleian Miscellany: An Essay on the Origin and Importance of Small Tracts and Fugitive Pieces
  • Preface to the 1742 Volume of the Gentleman’s Magazine
  • Dedication for Robert James's Medicinal Dictionary
  • Preface to the 1743 Volume of the Gentleman’s Magazine
  • PROPOSALS For Printing every Fortnight, (Price Sixpence) THE PUBLISHER: CONTAINING MISCELLANIES In PROSE and VERSE. Collected by J. CROKATT, Bookseller.
  • Proposals for Printing Anchitell Grey's Debates
  • Some Remarks on the Progress of Learning Since the Reformation
  • Proposals for Printing by Subscription Hugonis Grotii Adamus Exul
  • Postscript to Lauder’s Essay on Milton’s Use and Imitation of the Moderns
  • A Letter to the Reverend Mr. Douglas
  • Preface to The Preceptor
  • The signification of WORDS how varied
  • Letter Concerning the Benefit Performance of Comus for Milton's Granddaughter
  • Proposals for printing by subscription, Essays in Verse and Prose.
  • Notice of The life of Harriot Stuart
  • Dedication to The Female Quixote
  • Dedication to Memoirs of Maximilian de Bethune, Duke of Sully
  • Dedication to Philander
  • Dedication to The Greek Theatre of Father Brumoy
  • Dedication to Henrietta, 2nd Ed.
  • Proposals for Printing by Subscription The Original Works of Mrs. Charlotte Lennox
  • Letter to the Daily Advertiser concerning James Crokatt
  • Preface to A General Index of the First Twenty Volumes of the Gentleman's Magazine
  • Preface to the 1753 Volume of the Gentleman’s Magazine
  • An Account of an Attempt to Ascertain the Longitude by Sea, by an Exact Theory of the Variation of the Magnetical Needle
  • Dedication and Preface to An Introduction to the Game of Draughts (1756)
  • Dedication to An Introduction to Geometry (1767)
  • Preface to Richard Rolt, A New Dictionary of Trade and Commerce
  • Reflections on the Present State of Literature
  • TO THE PUBLIC
  • Review of John Armstrong, The History of the Island of Minorca (1756)
  • Review of Stephen White, Collateral Bee-Boxes (1756)
  • Review of Thomas Birch, The History of the Royal Society, vols. 1–2 (1756)
  • Review of Arthur Murphy, The Gray’s-Inn Journal, 2 vols. (1756)
  • Review of Joseph Warton, An Essay on the Writings and Genius of Pope (1756)
  • Review of James Hampton, The General History of Polybius (1756)
  • Review of Thomas Blackwell, Memoirs of the Court of Augustus (1753–56)
  • Review of Alexander Russell, The Natural History of Aleppo (1756)
  • Review of Four Letters from Newton to Bentley (1756)
  • Review of William Borlase, Observations on the Islands of Scilly (1756)
  • Review of Archibald Bower, Affidavit (1756); John Douglas, Six Letters and Review of Mr. Bower’s Answer (1757); and John Douglas, Bower and Tillemont Compared (1757)
  • Review of Francis Home, Experiments on Bleaching (1756)
  • Review of Stephen Hales, An Account of a Useful Discovery (1756)
  • Review of Charles Lucas, An Essay on Waters (1756)
  • Review of Robert Keith, A Large New Catalogue of the Bishops (1756)
  • Review of Patrick Browne, The Civil and Natural History of Jamaica (1756)
  • Review of Charles Parkin, An Impartial Account of the Invasion under William Duke of Normandy (1756)
  • Review of A Scheme for Preventing a Further Increase of the National Debt (1756)
  • Review of Conferences and Treaties (1756)
  • Review of Philosophical Transactions (1756)
  • Review of Richard Lovett, The Subtil Medium Prov’d (1756)
  • Review of Benjamin Hoadley and Benjamin Wilson, Observations on a Series of Electrical Experiments (1756)
  • Review of Johann Georg Keyssler, Travels (1756)
  • Review of Elizabeth Harrison, Miscellanies (1756)
  • Review of Jonas Hanway, A Journal of Eight Days Journey (1757)
  • Review of Jonas Hanway, A Journal of Eight Days Journey, Second Edition (1757)
  • Reply to a Letter from Jonas Hanway in the Gazetteer (1757)
  • Review of Samuel Bever, The Cadet (1756)
  • Review of the Test and Con-Test (1756)
  • Review of William Whitehead, Elegies (1757)
  • Review of A Letter to a Gentleman in the Country on the Death of Admiral Byng (1757)
  • Preliminary Discourse in the London Chronicle
  • Advertisement for Francis Barber in the Daily Advertiser
  • "Dedication to John Lindsay, Evangelical History of Our Lord Jesus Christ Harmonized
  • Introduction to the Universal Chronicle (1758)
  • Of the Duty of a Journalist (1758)
  • Advertisement Against Unauthorized Reprints of the Idler (1759)
  • Advertisement for the Public Ledger in the Universal Chronicle (1760)
  • To The Public in the Public Ledger (1760)
  • The Weekly Correspondent Number I [Public Ledger]
  • The Weekly Correspondent Number II [Public Ledger]
  • The Weekly Correspondent Number III [Public Ledger]
  • Preface to J. Elmer, Tables of Weights and Prices
  • From The Italian Library Containing an Account of the Lives and Works of the most valuable authors of Italy (1757)
  • Proposals for Printing by Subscription, Le Poesie di Giuseppe Baretti (1758)
  • Dedication to A Dictionary of the English and Italian Languages (1760)
  • Preface to Easy Phraseology, for the Use of Young Ladies Who Intend to Learn the Colloquial Part of the Italian Language (1775)
  • Advertisement [For The World Displayed]
  • Introduction (1759) [From The World Displayed]
  • Advertisement for Pilgrim's Progress
  • Letter I. [Daily Gazetteer]
  • Letter II. [Daily Gazetteer]
  • Letter III. [Daily Gazetteer]
  • Letter to the Society of Arts (26 February 1760)
  • Letter to the Society of Arts (8 December 1760)
  • Address of the Painter’s, Sculptors, &Architects to George III (1761)
  • Preface to A Catalogue of the Pictures, Sculptures, Models, Drawings, Prints, &c Exhibited by the Society of Artists of Great-Britain at the Great Room in Spring Gardens Charing Cross May the 17th Anno 1762 Being the Third year of their Exhibition (1762)
  • Review of William Tytler, Historical and Critical Enquiry into the Evidence Produced … Against Mary Queen of Scots
  • Contributions to John Kennedy, A Complete System of Astronomical Chronology, Unfolding the Scriptures
  • Proposals and Advertisement [for Anna Williams, Miscellanies in Prose and Verse] (1762)
  • Advertisement [for Anna Williams, Miscellanies in Prose and Verse] (1766)
  • Dedication to Jerusalem Delivered (1763)
  • Dedication to The Works of Metastasio (1767)
  • Dedication to Cyrus: A Tragedy (1768)
  • Review of Oliver Goldsmith, The Traveller
  • Dedication for Thomas Percy, Reliques of Ancient English Poetry
  • 23 Sept. 1765 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 1–4 Oct. 1765. [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 20 Nov. 1765. [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 19 Dec. 1765. [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 24 December 1765 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 3 March 1768 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 8 March 1768 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 14 March 1768 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 23 March 1768 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 23 March 1768 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 13 March 1769 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 1 October 1774 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 4 October 1774 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 13 October 1774 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 4 September 1780 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 4 September 1780 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • 5 Sept. 1780 [Political Writing for Henry Thrale]
  • Dedication for George Adams, A Treatise Describing and Explaining the Construction and Use of New Celestial and Terrestrial Globes
  • Dedication to John Gwynn, London and Westminster Improved
  • Preface to Alexander MacBean, A Dictionary of Ancient Geography
  • Meditation on a Pudding
  • Hereford Infirmary Appeal
  • Dedication for A General History of Music (1776)
  • From A General History of Music, Vol. II (1782)
  • Dedication to An Account of the Musical Performance . . . in Commemoration of Handel (1785)
  • Advertisement for the Spectator
  • Dedication to Zachary Pearce, A Commentary, with Notes, on the Four Evangelists and the Acts of the Apostles
  • Letter of 16 May 1777
  • The Petition of the Lord Mayor, Aldermen, and Commons of the City of London, in Common Council Assembled, Friday 6 June 1777
  • Letter to Lord Bathurst, the Lord Chancellor, 8 June 1777
  • Letter to William Murray, First Earl of Mansfield, Lord Chief Justice, Wednesday, 11 June 1777
  • Petition of Mrs. Mary Dodd to the Queen
  • Dodd’s Letter to the King, Sunday, 22 June 1777
  • Petition of William Dodd to the King, Monday, 23 June 1777
  • Dodd’s Last Solemn Declaration, Wednesday, 25 June 1777
  • Johnson’s Observations on the Propriety of Pardoning William Dodd, Wednesday, 25 June 1777
  • Introduction and Conclusion to Occasional Papers (1777)
  • Proposal for Printing William Shaw, An Analysis of the Scotch Celtic Language
  • Dedication to Sir Joshua Reynolds, Seven Discourses
  • Preface to Thomas Maurice, Oedipus Tyrannus
  • The Case of Collier v. Flint
  • Translation of Sallust, De Bello Catilinario
  • General Rules of the Essex Head Club
  • On the Character and Duty of an Academick
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© 2023
The Jests of Hierocles
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By Johnson, Samuel

Samuel Johnson: Johnson on Demand

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THE JESTS OF HIEROCLES (1741)
Although Boswell ascribed this article in the Gentleman’s Magazine to Johnson on internal evidence (Life, I.150), G. B. Hill noted, “This piece is certainly not by Johnson. It contains more than one ungrammatical passage” (n. 1). Hill was reacting to the silliness of this piece and its appropriately low style.1 The genre of jokes or facetiae about scholars had, however, a well-established popularity among the best scholars and grammarians, and Johnson certainly knew it well. He encountered it, for example, in Bacon’s Apophthegms, from sources of these very brief stories about scholars in Erasmus, and directly in Erasmus’s sources, which include pseudonymous authors such as Hierocles, Aesop, and Philogelus (Laughter-Lover). Johnson reflects their enduring theme, for example, in Rambler 137: “Nothing has so much exposed men of learning to contempt and ridicule, as their ignorance of things which are known to all but themselves” (Yale, IV.362–63). Johnson also provided evidence that he knew the particular stories in Hierocles presented here. He once chided Boswell’s “bustling,” for example, by mentioning Hierocles’s story of the pedant who rode his horse on board ship (Life, V.307–8). In his preface to Shakespeare he recalls the story of the pedant who exhibited a stone as a sample of the house he wished to sell (Yale, VII.62).
The contribution to the Gentleman’s Magazine presented herewith comprises twenty-one of the twenty-eight “absent-minded professor” jokes published in Greek, with a Latin translation, by Marquard Freher with the title Hieroclis Philosophi Facetiae de priscorum studiosorum dictis et factis ridiculis (Ladenburg, 1605). Freher’s collection was reprinted as an appendix to Meric Casaubon’s edition of the Commentary by the neo-Platonist philosopher Hierocles of Alexandria (fl. c. 430) on the Carmina Aurea of Pythagoras (1654), a work owned by Johnson (Greene, pp. 67–68).2 The stories were also included in Peter Needham’s edition of the Commentary (1709; pp. 460–66). In later editions, and in some manuscripts, they are often combined with some 240 similar stories attributed to the pseudonymous Philagros (Country-Loving, or Country Bumpkin). There is a learned edition


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of the whole collection by Alfred Eberhard (Berlin, 1869). Although the stories are silly, they have attracted serious scholarly attention. Among the many commentators on these works down through the years are some of Johnson’s humanist idols, Pontanus and Isaac Vossius, for example. The text presented here is from the Gentleman’s Magazine for September 1741 (XI.477–79), but we have profited from a privately printed version, edited and introduced by O M Brack, Jr. (1999).
[The Jests of Hierocles]
Mr. Urban,
As variety is one of the chief excellencies of your collection, you will perhaps not deny a place to a few stories, in favour of which, if you should be censured for inserting any thing of so little importance, you may allege, that they have been thought worthy to be preserv’d for many ages; that they were ascribed to no meaner an author than Hierocles;1 that they may contribute to inform your readers of the taste, the amusements, or at least, what is often the object of curiosity, the follies of former times, and may be properly inculcated to those whose continual application to studies of more labour than use, has hindered them from being acquainted with more necessary parts of knowledge, and expose themselves to contempt and ridicule, by their ignorance of common life.
It will appear from the following tales that Pedants [ὅι σχολαστικοί]a have been ridicul’d in every age, and that the method of introducing a story of any ridiculous mistake, was to impute it to a stupid philosopher.
I know not whether it is necessary to remark that I have in translating these ludicrous2 narratives made use of the same liberty that Addison commends in a version of Theophrastus,3 for surely this piece is below criticism, and no preparation needs to be made for the defence of that which will never be attacked.


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The Pedants
A pedant having been almost drowned in an attempt to swim, made an oath, that he would never enter the water again till he was a compleat master of the art.
Another hearing that one of his friends was sick, paid him a visit, but found him so weak, that when he asked him, “how he did,” he could make no answer; the philosopher repeated the question, and was at last so much provoked at the sick man’s silence, that before he left the room he cried out in the heat of his resentment, “I hope I shall be sick in a little time, and have an opportunity of treating you in the same manner.”
Another being much molested by a mouse in his apartment, used to sit at his hole with meat in his mouth, in hopes by that method to lure him out.4
Another formed a design of teaching his horse to live cheap, and for that purpose kept him in the stable without meat, but one morning found him dead, and going to his friends, told them that he had lost his horse; they observing in him an air of uncommon dejection, told him that he might repair the damage by procuring another; “ah!” says he, “but the loss is greater than you imagine, for this horse had just learned to live without eating.”5
A philosopher having an inclination to sell his house, was desired by the person that proposed to buy it, to shew it him. “Sir,” says he, “you may spare yourself the trouble of walking so far, for I always carry this stone in my pocket as a specimen.”6
Another stood before a looking-glass with his eyes shut, to see how handsome he was when he was asleep.
Another dreamed that he struck his foot against a nail, and


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therefore laid on a plaister,7 and complaining to a brother philosopher of his hurt, was advised to take warning, and to go to bed for the future with his shoes on.
Another having purchased a new house planted himself at the window, and seeing a neighbour in the street, “Do not I look very handsome,” says he, “in my new house?”
Another having a cask of wine sealed up at the top, but his servant boring a hole at the bottom, stole the greatest part of it away; sometime after, having called a friend to taste his wine, he found the vessel almost empty, and expressing his admiration that the liquor should be lost and the seal whole, was advised to examine whether the bottom was not bored, “You fool,” says he, “the wine at the bottom is safe enough; you see that it is the upper part of the cask that has been robbed.”
Another, observing how apples were shaken by the wind from the tree, goes to another tree where sparrows were perched, and laying a sheet under it, begins to shake it with all his strength, in hopes of catching them.
Another walking in his grounds, till he was very thirsty enquired for water, and being told, that he had good water in his own well which his ancestors used to drink, he went therefore to it, and looking down, “The water,” says he, “may be good, but my ancestors must have had very long necks, if they were able to get at it.”
Another meeting after a long absence with an acquaintance, told him, that he was surprised to see him, for he had heared he was dead, “but,” says the other, “you find the report false.” “’Tis hard to determine,” he replies, “for the man that told me was one whose word I woud sooner take than yours.”
Another having heard that a crow would live two hundred years, procured a young one to try.
Another, being in a violent tempest, observed the rest of the passengers providing pieces of wood to swim upon, and


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going to look for something for himself, took hold of the anchor, for he was determin’d, he told them, not to go to the bottom without one struggle for his life.
Another meeting with a man that had just buried a twin brother, enquired of him, whether it was he or his brother that was lately buried.
Another, being to go with his whole family to sea, was very busy in making his will, and observing his servants in some anxiety about their danger, cried out to them, “do not be concerned boys, for I have given you all your freedom if we should happen to be drowned.”
Another being to cross a river in a boat, came into it on horseback, “For,” says he, “I am in too great haste to think of going in a boat on foot.”8
Another had a little boy dead, and seeing a great number of his friends come together to the funeral, told them, that he must make an apology for bringing out such a little child to so large a company.
The son of another pedant going to the war, told his father, that he would engage to bring him the head of one of the enemies. “Child,” said he, “I shall be glad to see thee come home safe and well, though thou shouldest bring back neither the enemies head nor thy own.”9
Another having received a letter from his friend, with a request that he would buy him some books, neglected the affair, and, by way of excuse, said when he met his friend, “I am sorry, that I never received the letter which you wrote to me about the books.”
Another being on a journey in company with a barber and a bald man, it was agreed that each should watch in his turn while the other two slept: the barber, whose turn happen’d to


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be first, shaved the philosopher while he was asleep, and at the expiration of his time waked him, the sage fell to scratching his head, and finding no hair, abused the barber for not calling the philosopher in his turn, “For do not you know,” says he, “that I, who am the bald man, was to have been called up last.”1


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Editorial Notes
1 This is Greene’s argument in “Notes,” 80–81.
2 SJ once thought of translating the Commentary (Life, IV.381, n. 1).
1 [SJ’s note] The author of the celebrated comment on Pythagoras.
a ὅι σχολαστικοί emend] ὁι Σκολαστικιι GM
2 Ludicrous: “Burlesque; merry; sportive; exciting laughter” (Dictionary).
3 In The Lover, XXXIX (25 May 1714), Addison praises Eustace Budgell’s translation for its “judicious and reasonable liberty” and its “delicacy” in rendering coarse passages.
4 [SJ’s note] See the Muscipulla [a mock-heroic Latin poem by Edward Holdsworth (1709), usually spelled Muscipula and translated as The Mouse-Trap (1709)]. “Meat” here means food of any kind.
5 [SJ’s note] Of this story, which everyone has heard, there may perhaps be some not displeased to discover the antiquity, and trace the original: long dissertations have been written upon subjects of no greater importance.
6 Cf. preface to Shakespeare (Yale, VII.62), where it is a brick, rather than a stone.
7 Plaister: “A glutinous or adhesive salve” (Dictionary, s.v. plaster, sense 2).
8 Cf. Life, V.307–8 and n. 1.
9 [SJ’s note] The reading in this place will scarcely admit of the sense in which I have translated it, and ought perhaps to be supplied thus, χωρὶς κεφαλῆς καὶ τοῦ ἐχθροῦ καὶ σοῦ. [The 1654 text reads χωρὶς κεφαλῆς σε ἔλθόντα (p. 406), which on the facing page in Latin is rendered as “absque capite redire,” returning without a head. SJ’s emendation does not seem necessary, although, arguably, it makes the joke clearer.]
1 [SJ’s note] This has a more obscure and embarrassed sense in the original, I believe, by the fault of the transcribers. [In 1654 the sense seems clear enough.]
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Document Details
Document TitleThe Jests of Hierocles
AuthorJohnson, Samuel
Creation Date1741
Publ. DateN/A
Alt. TitleN/A
Contrib. AuthorCave, Edward
ClassificationSubject: Pythagoras; Subject: Academic; Subject: Pedant; Subject: Humor; Genre: Translation
PrinterN/A
PublisherEdward Cave
Publ. PlaceLondon
VolumeSamuel Johnson: Johnson on Demand
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